Confessions of a Part-Time Geek

#21- On the Creation of Worlds pt2

2011-03-05T17:03:00.000-08:00

The story so far... our intrepid hero has been tasked to create and run a Hunter:The Reckoning game set in the Wild West, and to do so in a manner that is true to the style of Storytelling he had done in the past with Vampire:the Masquerade.

Once I accepted the task, my friend and I discussed some of the things I would need to watch for that killed off some of my other stories in the past.

To deal with scheduling conflicts, we figured that I'd run a game once every three weeks. This would allow everyone in the game to stay somewhat fresh, and give me time to make sure I wasn't burning out, still had time with my family, had time to prepare the next session, etc.

I would also limit the number of players in the game. In the past, I'd done my best Stroytelling with about 2-3 people, and started failing badly when I got up around 5 or 6 players. I posted the idea to the rest of our gaming group, and got a total of 4 responses (including my friend who pitched the idea initially). I figured I could run with 4, so hopefully I will be true to my word in that regard.

Another thing I wanted to be wary of was character creation. In the past, I had allowed disparate characters to be brought into the fold of the game via story arcs and the like.. this time, however, I decided that I wanted all of the characters to know one another from the start, so I wouldn't have to devote extra time and energy to developing introductions. To that end, we devoted one night to creating our characters and tweaking how they interacted with one another. We didn't go into too much detail about how they met, but as I've done in the past, any character background not covered by the player is fair game for me (I have used flashbacks a few times to great effect, and have on occassion introduced lovers or family from a character's past ("But I don't have a sister!" "Did you tell me you didn't have one?" "No, but..." "Say hello to sis!" This actually worked out much better in the game than it does right here)).

On my end, I started researching the game setting well before I had other players lined up. I started pouring through the Werewolf:the Wild West sourcebooks in order to get a feel of what I'd be looking at as far as translating a Western setting into a Storyteller game. As odd as this sounds, I also started playing more Red Dead Redemption, as that videogame was sort of the inspiration for developing this chronicle. I also started watching more Western movies and TV shows, in order to get clues as to what points to get across in my narrative. Odd as this sounds, most of my research was weapons research... Hunter by nature is a combat heavy game, in which having bad-ass weaponry is.. useful. The majority of my friends also have more than a little passing familiarity with firearms (I've been shooting before with each of the players at various times), and I want to make sure that they can have fun with the weapons in the game.

In taking these factors into consideration, as well as factoring in what era of western I personally prefer, I chose to set the game in 1890. Weapons technology was in what I consider to be a classic period. The world in general was poised to tackle a new century. The Wild West and the era of the cowboy was on its way out. Major happenings in the legendary wild west as we know it had taken place a few years prior to this (the OK Corral, the death of Billy the Kid, and a few others). Thomas Edison and Nikola Tesla weren't quite the world-reknown names that they would become, but they were making strides of their own in the areas of science and technology. And as a former teacher of mine pointed out, 1890 was the year of the Ghost Dance.... hmmmm.

As I had a timeline, I wanted to pick a location. I ended up choosing the New Mexico territory, since it had several terrain types that I happen to like in westerns, and New Mexico at that time was an.. interesting place. Specifically, I chose northern New Mexico, near the eastern edge of the Navajo reservations at that time. For that particular reason, I let the backgrounds of two of the characters speak to me.. one was a former Texas Ranger, and the other was a former Buffalo Soldier, both of whom had a history of being in conflict with Native Americans. Also, the New Mexico territory at that time was more or less on the edge of the frontier, and in fact, in 1890 the New Mexico census deemed the frontier to be closed.

I started creating a set of towns that the characters could be based out of. While I see the players eventually wanting to explore parts of California, Texas, and Oregon (to name a few), I wanted some place to be considered 'base' for them. To that end, I'd originally started to design a small town for them to base out of. Unfortunately, that didn't allow for some of the story ideas I had in mind.. I'd need a larger town for those..... which precluded some of the ideas for a smaller town. The solution seemed fairly simple after I'd thought about it for a while.... two towns living in the shadow of one another. When I started to figure out how these towns would interact, I started coming up with even more story ideas that were more political in nature, and would serve to set backdrops for the chronicle, even if they were never played through in the game.

In the next segment, we'll take a look at how these two towns are becoming their own entities, and I will also hopefully share some of my thoughts on how I develop NPCs for the games (one of my favorite parts).

To be continued...

#20- On the Creation of Worlds, pt1

2011-03-03T17:20:00.000-08:00

I may have mentioned a time or two that I play role playing games. Now, by this, I don't mean that I play Dragon Age or Elder Scrolls.. well, I do, but those aren't what I meant. What I mean by role-playing games is the old school style, pencil and paper and dice, a bunch of friends sitting around the living room playing "Make Believe," type of gaming, back before there was anything more sophisticated than a Vic-20 (yea, I'm that old.. hell, first computer I ever played with was a brand new Timex-Sinclair 1000). To put it in perspective for you... I was introduced to the glorious Red Box when I was in 4th grade.. I was ten years old at the time, and I got hooked bad (to you young kiddies who don't know, the Red Box refers to the original boxed Dungeons and Dragons Basic set). A couple of years later, my folks got the original Advanced Dungeons and Dragons DM's Guide and Player's Guide for me, and I was hooked harder.

I'm 37 now. This means, math wizards, that I've been playing RPGs going on 28 years. Imagine that, folks. That's longer than some of you have been alive.

Wait a moment while I e-flex on you.

Now, this doesn't mean I was a hard-core gamer. Sure, when I was in school, I was, because I was overly smart and imaginative and DnD was MUCH more amusing to me than, say.. dealing with normies. When I got into high school, a teacher of mine and family friend introduced me to a new game, Top Secret/S.I., in which you could play as a secret agent or special forces operator. Yea, that killed about 4 years of my social life. :)

I found though, that when I got into the Army, some of my gaming kind of dropped off for a while. Sure, there were still people who played DnD (and by this time, I was playing Star Wars as well), but for the most part, they were all type-a personality, overaggressive dickheads. I should know, I was one. We all wanted our characters to be the biggest and the baddest. We all wanted to be king of the mountain. It didn't make for a fun time.. until....

In 1992, I discovered a not-well-known at the time game created by a gent named Mark Rein-Hagen. This game was White Wolf Studios, "Vampire: The Masquerade." Aside from the fact that I loved vampires, the game was completely different than what I was used to, in that instead of rolling stats and abilities, you had so many point with which to pick and choose who your character was and what they did. Also, it was the first game that I can remember stressing the importance of being able to tell a story to entertain one's friends. At the time, that second point was a bit lost on me, and while I still was a bit of a powergamer, my army friends and I slowly discovered something over the next couple of years.

We didn't have to slay the dragon all the time in order to have fun. By that I mean.. we didn't always have to "win" in order to have a successful game. We'd started learning that to entertain ourselves, we could develop deep, meaningful scenarios that sometimes didn't have clear cut parameters for success.

My friend James picked up the rule book for White Wolf's "Wraith:the Oblivion," shortly after it came out. He wouldn't let any of the rest of us read the rulebook. Instead, he had us create characters in much the same manner that other White Wolf games did. Then, when we started playing, he killed our characters. While we were expecting it, it was still abit of a shock. I remember taht while I knew I couldn't play a Wraith character who was still alive, I didn't want my character to die... and James milked that conundrum for all it was worth. He then proceeded to take us through a campaign the likes of which we had never seen. He set a dark, chilling mood for us. He used different voices for NPCs. We played by candlelight in a dark room at night. We would feel our adrenaline race and our hearts beat faster as the story and world that we knew nothing about unfolded before us.. we loved it! That was by first bit of exposure to storytelling as an artform, but it would be years before the lessons that took root on those nights some 16 years ago would bloom into something more.

When I got out of the Army and moved to Tennessee, I was lucky enough to hook up with a group of people who would become true and dear friends for the next 15 years, who all happened to share this same hobby of pretending to be someone else. Intitially, I think we were all power gamers at heart, though we conciously wanted to be something more. We wanted deep, meaningful stories, we wanted character and mood and theme, but we didn't know how to really achieve this.

A few years ago, after a couple of attempts by the group to play Vampire, I decided I wanted to try running a Vampire chronicle myself, What possessed me to do this, I have no idea, but I took to the task with a vengeance. I sat down and poured over ever Storyteller's game book I had for the next several weeks, whether it had anything to do with Vampire or not. I compiled notes, created npcs, incorporated information. I drafted story outlines, bubbled plots, and read online guides that pertained to how to run chronicles. I had this crazy idea of taking a step away from combat in the game, and focusing more on what created drama and gravitas in a Vampire game. Politics and becoming a monster. After I had some story ideas fleshed out, I took two of my friends through an introductory story in this new setting. I focused not so much on what the characters and npcs were doing, but who those characters were.

The Ashford Chronicles were born.

For well over a year, I ran this Vampire game, and never played in it. I struggled to create plotlines that made sense and would call back to other plotlines, to help give a sense of continuity. I worked on making engaging characters and themes for the players to interact with and remember (just today, I had a friend stop me at the store and ask me to bring back a young insane vampire girl I'd created for them to deal with, some 4, 5 years prior).

There are a couple of things that helped me out quite a bit in this regard. Around this time, I had really gotten into watching Joss Whedon's Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel, and the manner in which he and the other writers weaved plotlines served as a bit of a guide and inspiration to me. At this time, I was also playing Treyarch's "Vampire: Bloodlines," which was based on the RPG. The game made excellent use of characterization, and hinted at some of the fun to be had with inter-faction politics. Lastly, I have a small bit of theater background, and decided to use this to the fullest extent as I created these people for the players to interact with. I studied how people talked, what accents they used, how they moved, and did my best to bring that into the game.

The Ashford Chronicle was to date my most extensive success when it came to telling a story. Even though I ended the chronicle on a weak note, my players enjoyed the game greatly, and this prompted me to try to run a sequel.

Yea.. not so much.

There are more than a few reasons why the next several chronicles I tried to run ended up failing, everything from scheduling conflicts to my own ego to misunderstandings within the group. Things got to be so bad for me as a Storyteller that I ended up taking a long hiatus from running any stories. I'd play occassionally, but I wouldn't run. A couple of years ago, I started a Hunter game that only went so far, and died out due to bad storytelling on my part. After that, I played a few more times, then focused my attention elsewhere.

A couple of months ago, one of my original players was visiting the house. We were talking about video games and movies, and I mentioned that I'd been playing Red Dead Redemption.

"Man, if you like westerns," I told him, and I knew he did, "you need to check this game out. It's like playing most every western you've ever seen. It's great!"

"Hey, that'd be something, wouldn't it?" He responded. "A Hunter game set in the wild west."

"Oooh, yea," I replied. The wheels started turning all of the sudden, and my buddy smelled smoke and smiled.

"You need to run it. The only way I'd play that is if you ran it.. and I want to play it."

Dammit.....

(to be continued.........)

#19... Aim and Fire

2010-12-26T07:13:00.001-08:00

I was zipping around the Escapist Magazine website this morning and I came upon an interesting little debate arguing the pros and cons of using iron sights in video games. I find it a tad amusing how heated these discussions can become, yet I find myself nodding in agreement to arguments from both sides.

I won't bore you with rehashing the entire debate here (because let's face it.. many of these internet trolls aren't nearly as amusing and fluid as I with prose, so their writing becomes vaguely painful to read at times), but I will boil the debate down and give you my perspective on the crux of the matter.

First, a quick definition. In any game where you can shoot a projectile weapon, the iron sights mechanic (usually labeled either 'zoom,' or mysteriously, 'iron sights') allows you to take finer aim with your weapon, and the view shifts from your normal view, with your weapon usually at the lower right of the screen, to a view in which you seem to be peering down the sights of your weapon. This will also usually include a bit of a zoom effect to simulate that you are focusing more on aiming and can therefore make out more detail.

The crux of the debate over iron sights is this: Is it too distractng to use iron sights in a game, or does it break immersion in the game when you don't have to use iron sights?

When using the sights, one's character tends to slow down to a slow walk as they try to aim. Additionally, when sighting in, it seems that many games try to fill up as much of the screen as possible with the weapon system, sights, etc, in an attempt to add realism and show off their weapon modeler's skills (weapon modelers are the guys responsible for the look of the weapon.. does it look real, is it textured properly, do all the parts move that are supposed to move, etc).

When zooming in and not using an iron sights mechanic, or a limited one, the character still tends to move slowly, you still have a zoom factor to siumulate focusing on your aim, you just don't have your weapon taking up a huge portion of the screen, which could detract one from being immersed in the "reality" of the game.

It should probably be noted that both modes tend to shrink down the area of scatter, that is, when not aiming, your projectiles are more likely to be off target, whereas whilst aiming, your projectiles will experience less of a scatter probability pattern.

I can agree with both sides of the camp, with a couple of caveats, and my opinion (and it is ONLY my opinion, I can speak for no one else) is formed by my own experiences with shooting, and my shooting style.

I will presume that in video games, firing while not aiming is NOT the same as hip firing a weapon, but rather is more akin to what's called instinctive shooting.

In the real world, instinctive shooting is the act of aiming and firing a weapon while not using the sights of the weapon.. rather, you develop a feel for where the weapon is pointing and for where the round will strike when the trigger is pulled. This technique is used by more than a few special operations teams, including the British SAS who, if memory serves, are the guys who honed the practice into a viable tactic. The advantage of instinctive shooting is that the shooter is not focused on the sights or the weapon, and can therefore take in more of the world around them, which is vital in a close quarters battle (CQB) situation). Also, because one is not taking time to develop a good sight picture, instinctive shooting is much faster than aimed shooting. On the down side, instinctive shooting is best used in a close quarters scenario (clearing buildings, tight alleys, etc), and is not much use for longer distances (shooting across a field, down a street, or what not). Also, by its very nature, instinctive shooting is not as accurate as aimed shooting.

It should be pointed out that I HAVE seen guys who were incredibly accurate with instinctive shooting, and I have seen guys who were extremely fast with aimed shooting. In the end, it does break down to how one trains, and what their goals are. For me personally, I tend towards instinctive shooting for closer targets, and I use a quasi-aimed shooting technique (sometimes called point shooting) for midrange targets. For longer ranged targets, I will use a full on aimed shot, with both eyes open.

I think that last statement should be reiterated... I will used a full on aimed shot, with both eyes open. There's a reason for that. If you close your nonfiring eye (the eye you are NOT looking down your sights with), you focus too much on your sight picture, and not enough on the world around you and the possible dangers sneaking up on you while you're trying to shoot. Where this is fine (and even prefered) for long distance riflemen, snipers, etc, I am not a long distance kind of guy. While I can shoot out to three, maybe even four hundred meters given the proper weapon system (I have done 800 meters in the past), I prefer to engage targets at around 150 meters and closer. As I shoot primarily pistols these days, I prefer within 50 meters.

Now what does this interesting aside to shooting style have to do with iron sights in videogames, you may ask? Well, quite simply, I think that game developers tend to think that when a person aims, even at a shorter distance, that they will close that other eye, and that they focus too much on the sight picture.

When I fist played Call of Duty (the very first one, set in WW2), I thought they did an excellent job with the zoom factor and iron sights while aiming... depending on the weapon, you would zoom in a little or a great deal. If you were using a pistol, you zoomed in a bit because you were shooting at closer ranges, whereas when using a standard rifle you got a pretty hefty zoom and lost a large portion of your peripheral vision because you were focusing on a longer shot. A few games have done well with this mechanic, although I will admit some consternation at trying to aim quickly and accurately with a mouse or a thumbstick as opposed to a real firearm), where some games totally skewed either the pros or cons of using weapon sights (leading to more than one case of what became affectionately known as Pistol Sniping).

Grand Theft Auto 4 had a pretty nifty mechanic in that you could "autoaim" to your target's center mass, and then use your aiming stick to adjust your point of aim. I found this to be fairly close to what happens when I shoot (I tend to automatically go for a center mass shot, and have to concentrate to go for a limb or headshot), but as players of GTA4 know, the target switiching left a little to be desired (the game would have difficulty switching targets from one bad guy to another).

I thought I'd found Nirvanna of a sorts when I started playing both CoD Modern Warfare 2 and Red Dead Redemption. They employ a mechanic called snap-to aiming, where when you zoom in on a target, it will automatically zoom to center mass of the target closest to your aiming reticule, but you can manually aim from there if you so desire, and resnapping a target was as simple as unzooming, moving your aiming reticule just a little towards the next target, and rezooming to lock on to your new target. Other games have followed suit with varying degrees of success (Medal of Honor doesn't do a bad job, but for Mafia 2 and The Saboteur, you pretty much have to have your reticule on the target already before you can snap aim.. and by the time you do, said target is already moving out of the area you were aiming).

The absolute worst use of iron sight aiming that I've seen in a game comes from a game that I'm rather quite fond of, Fallout: New Vegas. As the game is primarily an RPG, I can understand why the developers did not concentrate on creating a tactical shooting mechanic... but really, do I need half of my screen taken up when I go to use a cowboy repeater on a target 20 meters away? Really? Thankfully. THANKFLULLY, there is an option in the game that allows for you to turn iron sights off, which lets you see a zoomed in reticule instead of a big clunky sight. Yes, it takes away from the immersion in the game, but at least I don't get my head smashed in by the supermutant coming up the hill at me.

If a game developer is going to include iron sights aiming, try to think about how people shoot in real life. Perhaps allow for differing levels of aiming (controller triggers are pressure sensitive, you know, so you could go from instinctive snap shooting to point shooting to aimed fire all with one trigger). Don't zoom in very tight when using a cqb weapon or in a cqb scenario. Get the game developers working with real life shooters who have a working knowledge of how aiming a weapon works.

In the end, let me have my tactics and my immersion.

#17- How time flies....

2010-11-20T09:58:00.000-08:00

Wow.. it's been a while since I've been on here to post anything. Sorry about that, but sadly, that's how it goes sometimes.

I'm not going to offer much in the way of excuses, as I feel that one should own up to one's actions and claim responsibility for what they do. Instead, I will offer you a few of the reasons I haven't been on here much.

I have a 4 1/2 month old daughter. I'm sure there are some parents out there who are marveling that I found time to even write this little snippet because of that reason there. Luckily, I do have a pretty good kid.

I work a full time job and grab what overtime I feel I can handle. It's all about getting that money, you know? Especially with a family.

When I finally get some free time at night (which is thankfully becoming more often now that Kira goes to sleep at a near regular time), I'm usually trying to unwind from the day, and as such I don't feel like being very creative (yes, one does have to "create," in a sense, to write a blog).

Much of that relaxation comes in the form of addictive video games. For a while, i wasn't able to play a whole lot, as I was working and dealing with Kira, but I'm finding more time to start playing again, and playing is good. So far, my time is taken up with Mafia 2, Fallout: New Vegas, and Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood. A couple others are in the mix, but the last two especially are my current plays. I'll try to get some reviews up in a while (ha!! Wish me luck!).

Other forms of relaxation come from meeting friends in the front yard and beating the crap out of one another. Okay, not really, but I do like to get together with them and train when I can.. unfortunately, that training has been fairly sparse lately (my fault, and I blame work, mainly). I'm hoping to get back to that soon.

During my breaks at work, I've been working on a graphic novel, Wyrmclaw. I have the plot layouts done, as well as the storyboard, now I'm in the process of drawing the first draft of the artwork and writing dialogue, so I can send that to my editor and see what she thinks (thanks again, Amy!).

My wife discovered that season 2 of Lie to Me is on Netflix, and we killed a good weekend and a couple of days watching that. Excellent series, and if you know anything about lie detection, microexpressions, body language, and interrogation, the series hits the mark fairly well. Plus, Tim Roth plays an excellent character, and the supporting cast is absolutely brilliant.

I had part of the house cleaned up for a bit, but that tornado called life has seen fit to make it not so. I still have so much work to do on getting this place straightened up.. and looking around at the state of my office makes me depressed as I realize how far from my goal I am.

That's pretty much whats going on right now and why I haven't been here. Do with that info as you will, but I do intend to attempt more regular updates. Heh.. do with that intention what you will.

Until next time!

#16- Success Amidst Chaos!

2010-08-29T07:00:00.001-07:00

Its been a few minutes, hasn't it, since last I shared my thoughts with you? My apologies for that... it seems that between my changing work schedule, my baby's need to keep daddy awake through the night, and my wife ending up in the hospital for a couple of weeks and me shuttling back and forth between home, work, and the hospital, I may not have found a whole lot of time to write. But I know you, you're good people, you understand, right?

Having a hectic schedule does place a lot of stressors on an individual, and makes that individual change their ongoing priority list. Until recently, my list had been a)baby, b)wife, c)work, d)housework, and e)sleep?!? I hadn't been finding a whole lot of time for anything else. However, I do have a couple of breaks at work that I can't sleep on, because there is no ending bell for those breaks and the last thing I want to do is take an hour nap on a fifteen minute break.. great way to find myself swimming in the shallow lake bed called a job market! Now, not being able to sleep during a couple of breaks is, for you folks, a good thing. See, I may not be super creative and attentive when I'm tired, but I need to be doing something while I'm.. not doing anything. Heh. So, I tend to read. Specifically, I've been reading, "Writing for Comics with Peter David," by Peter David, and "The DC Comics Guide to Writing Comics," by Dennis O'Neil. Now, I've read both of these tomes multiple times, but I'll go back and revisit them every couple of months and find some new or interesting piece of advice every single time. David and O'Neil are absolute geniuses when it comes to crafting stories and imparting guidelines to help aspiring writers write their own stories. As an aside, if you think you want to write comics (or in some cases, film or television), it may well do you good to pick these books up. Seriously. They're that insightful.

Now, you may be asking yourself why this near-commercial inspiration is such a good thing for all you people. I'll tell you. A while back, some of you may recall that I had a contest for having what little bit of the public I have access to choose my next graphic novel project, since it seems I need an audience in order to produce. A few people voted, and a story idea titled, "Three," won. Now, as you may also recall, I posted a little on the history of Three, and the astute may have noticed that while I may have been able to talk about how the basic idea came about, it was really no more than a setting and some characters, with no real story.

Not so anymore, my friends.

Retitled "Wyrmclaw," I've now developed the plot for a single, 22-page story, complete with almost all the story beats, supporting cast, etc, as well as enabled the basic story to become a series by designing subplot threads in that first issue. This, for me, is the lions share of the work, as I can write at length ad naseum about anything I have a clear idea about (I have a blog, remember?), but developong a clear path for a story, within a definate three-act structure, complete with characters and the like, has never been a strong point for me. Well, I have that now. I know how the story starts. I know how it moves. I know how it ends. Now, I will admit, I haven't had the time to start writing a whle lot down yet, buy even the little bit of writing I've done has surprised me. I've started with character bios for the main players, and even writing those, I've surprised myself with some of the twists and turns.

"But Rick," you ask, "If you have your complete plotline, why can't you just write that? Why spend time on character bios and local history?" Take my hand and let me show you the way, little one. See, I'm really not expecting for interest in this story to go past one issue, one 22-page graphical wonderland. So, within those few, few pages, I have to present a compelling, all inclusive story as well as compelling, real characters. I'm also hoping that people will be interested enough to want to see more of the story past the first issue, so I'm wanting to make sure my characters have individual histories, I want to understand what makes them do what they do, and I want to understand how the world moves around them and because of them, so that you as the reader will believe in them, in their world, in the story that's being told.

"But Rick," you ask, "why are you writing a blog instead of crafting this story?" That's a twofold answer, folks, One, I want to keep you all informed about what's going on with the project and my life.... and Two, I have a 2 month old daughter who has a knack for wanting me right as I start to write. This blog is easier to write while holding and bottlefeeding Kira than the plot and dialogue for Wyrmclaw is.

So that's where we stand right now... on the cusp of a creative marvel, restrained by the chores of the everday. As I told you all previously, it was gonna be a long process.. and it is still. But we're getting there. Baby-steps, if you will.

15- Of a Hectic Life

2010-07-15T20:03:00.000-07:00

Its rare that I make a post about why I haven't posted in a while, offer an excuse as to why, and not feel like I'm cheating you all in some way. Yea, you read that right... I don't feel like I'm cheating you by giving you an excuse for not entertaining you. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy sharing my thoughts with you all, and I hope you can enjoy my ramblings and perhaps glean something from my own particular brand of madness, but right now I'm quite okay with having left you all in the learch.

My daughter trumps all your nappy asses. :D

On July 1st, I got a phone call at work from my pregnant wife, who wanted to make sure I was coming straight home from work. The reason? The reason? During her biweekly exam, the doctors decided that the inducement date of July 6th was a little too far away, and decided they wanted to induce my wife on Friday, the 2nd. So I got to come home on the first, shower, and grab all of our prepacked bags and put them in the car, then my wife drove the both of us to the hospital to check in that night and get a jump on the inducement the following day.

I should make a quick note here.... I'd been working 10 hour days at the factory for the past several days, and had woken up at 3 am Thursday morning.

Yea.. you dads who were there know where I'm going with that.

Sometime after 4 am, my wife was finally able to catch a little nap (the hospital bed was being crazy uncomfortable), and I followed suit shortly thereafter on the couch. Around 430 am, we were woken up by nurses and techs who were preparing Sarah for the coming day's events.

The day quickly became a cacophony of activity, anticipation, and energy. Sarah's family started showing up a little later that day, and Sarah herself was in fairly good spirits considering her nervousness and her procrastination in regards to accepting an epidural (she finally accepted one, at my and a couple of nurse's urgings, around noonish).

By around 3 pm, despite being about maxed out on the dosage of pertosin allowable, Sarah had dialated to a maximum of 4 cm, and her doctor decided to initiate a c-section. Sarah and I both knew that it was a possibility, so we weren't overly affected by the news. I got dolled up in scrubs while they wheeled Sarah to the operating room, and I followed shortly thereafter.

Another note. As odd as it may seem, I hadn't been really affected by impending fatherhood all that much. No fear, no panic, no worry, no "holy crap, why didn't I pull out?!?" However, while sitting in the hall, waiting to go into the operationg room, that was the closest I came to experiencing nervousness.

There's nothing like hearing your baby cry for the first time to drive home the point that you're in the middle of something big, now.

I finally got to get some sleep around 11 pm. Yea. 40 hours with 20 minutes of sleep. Yet you parents out there are reading these words, shaking your head, and mouthing to yourself, "Amateur."

The following days have been a little easier. Except for one incident, my daughter Kira, has gotten to where she'll sleep for about 4 hours at a time. This past week, Sarah's mom has been coming upi to help and we're generally getting our schedules on track.

Its still a hectic thing though, and as of yet I haven't been able to get any more drawing or writing (except for this) done. I'm still conceptualizing while I'm at work, but nothing new has been commited to paper or file. And thats okay. I have another blog that I'll be starting up that will concentrate on my adventures in fatherdom, and while I'm mulling those ideas over, I've yet to write anything. But thats okay.

All the stuff I've been wanting to work on has been back-burnered for the time being.. and that's okay.....

'Cause my daughter kicks your ass. :)

14- And the winner is..... me?

2010-06-19T06:59:00.001-07:00

A couple of weeks ago, I went through and asked for readers' opinions as to which story they'd like to see me draw (if you're wondering what the hell I'm talking about... drop down to the previous post. Really, how easy can I make it for you people?). I posted nine story ideas (and forgot to include a tenth, but I'll save that for another time), and by a slim margin of one vote, the fantasy adventure, Three, won.

A little backstory on how Three came about. Many years ago, a couple of roommates and I started playing a DnD campaign that one of the roommates had started. To give you an idea, this was back in the days of Dungeons and Dragons, 2nd edition: Skills and Powers supplement. My friend Kevin played an enhanced fighter (for all intents and purposes, he was a barbarian) named Braunan. Cain, the guy who was running the campaign, played an elven Wild Mage named Talos, a highly charismatic individual who hungered to gain power and knowledge. I ended up playing a half-elven fighter/thief named Arim Harklin.... he killed shit (he was an assassin). Now, I can't speak for the others, but the idea I had for Arim came from Bob Salvatore's fantastic character and foil to Drizz't Dourden, Artemis Entriri. I'm not afraid to say this, because the cry of "You copied Salvatore," will never come up... Salvatore created a fantastic character with a psychological depth that I will never be able to duplicate.... I created an antisocial asshole who liked to get all stabby in people's necks. While I may have gotten inspiration from the Artemis character, there will never be a way for me to copy that character, even if I wanted to.

The group dynamic between Arim, Braunan, and Talos ended up being surprisingly wonderful. Braunan was such a surly, dour individual when we started, he was a perfect straight man for the pranks that Arim would pull. Talos, having the grand vision that he would need the two of us in the future, worked well at keeping the two of us from going at each others throats. As the game progressed, Braunan and Arim fell into a certain synchronicity, much like the relationship seen between Gimly and Legolis in combat (this campaign took place several years before Lord of the Rings saw the screen). Talos acted as the womanizing, sometimes drunken father figure who had some far-reaching plan that the other two had no inkling of. And oh dear god, could they kill shit.

A geek moment (ok, moreso than what I've been doing): When I get the chance to play, I love DnD 3.5. I think it is, to date, the most comprehensive level-based game system that Wizards of the Coast has come up with. With the proper application of various Feats and abilities, you can create a character who will eventually be able to do exactly what you want. If you want, you can have an armor wearing, sword wielding Wizard, or a Fighter who can pick locks and hide in shadows. But DnD 3rd came out about a year or two AFTER our campaign started, so we had to make due with the Skills and Powers add-on for DnD 2nd ed. And while we may not have had Feats we could stack into place, by the gods we made it work.. and work well. I've since tried to transfer Arim over into 3rd and 3.5 edition, even going so far as to using the Gestalt option available in 3.5's Unearthed Arcana. But you know something? It just doesn't feel right. Arim and his companions were made in S&P, and I think that, mechanics-wise, that's where they have to stay.

But with a STORY.. we're not worried about game mechanics. No, all I need to worry about doing is capturing the feel of the group dynamic. I'll probably tweak and twist a couple of things here and there, in order to make a more compelling story, but all in all, regardless of what system we used to play the game, its the PEOPLE who played that game, the friends who breathed life into these ideas, that are the driving force behind this story. Without those thoughts and ideas to give these characters life and meaning, I'd have no reason at all to WANT to create something based on this years-past game group.

While we were all still living together, I did start trying to write a book based on these characters. I was unemployed at the time and had a lot of time on my hands, so I started writing. Unfortunately, at the time I was sadly lacking any knowledge of how to craft a good story, so while the writing itself was fairly engaging, there wasn't much of a spine to the story I was attempting to write.

This time, I'm hoping, is a tad different. I'm a little more educated about how a good story is crafted. By trying the story as a graphic novel, I get to combine several hobbies into one (writer, director, casting agent, fight choreographer, special effects artist, drawing, cinematographer). I'm already in the process of hashing out the plot and have started trying some preliminary drawings (word of advice.. do NOT try to draw when your arms and hands are clawing up after hours of lifting and building pallets at work.... what you produce wont be all that great). This time around, I also have a good support group (you folks) who want to see what I produce. Hopefully, I will be able to entertain you.

Sadly, this is the portion of the post where I tell you why I'm going to be so damned slow in producing anything. As you should know, I'm married. My wife and I are expecting our first child to be born in, I dunno, two weeks? My life is going to end up getting VERY hectic in a short time, and it wont let up after that for a long time. Also, in order to help make ends meet, I'm still trying to find a second job. IF I can find one, that will severely limit what little free time I'll have left after the baby. Also, as I may have mentioned once or twice before in passing... my job sucks. More often than not, I leave work sweaty, sore, tired, and somewhat incapable of fine motor control. When I get home, the last thing I want to do is try and create something.

But...

I really want to do this,,, or at least do SOMETHING. When I was a kid, I had a few dreams, but when I got older, I put them aside and "grew up." A year ago, I got the chance to fulfill one of those dreams and got to costar in a feature length film. It may have been an independant movie that we did just for fun and that I didn't get paid for, but you know something, "Major Motion Picture," and "Get Paid," never appeared anywhere in that particular dream. What mattered was that the film was actually funny, and I feel I did well in it. Boom. Dream fulfilled. Recently, I started thinking... why can't I fulfill more of my dreams? Truthfully, in this day and age, there isn't a reason. I may never get paid for any of these "hobbies," but as long as I enjoy them, as long as they help me get through life, does it matter? With the advent of the internet and independant publishing, an artist can share his or her vision and passion with the world. I'm not going to get into the how's thereof, since both Wil Wheaton and J.A. Konrath have excellent ideas on how to self publish and you can look those up just as easily as I can, but the fact is that if you have something inside you, some spark or idea, that you want or need to share with the world, the means exists to share that spark. All thats stopping you is you.

I'm kinda tired of stopping me.

This blog you're reading now is a direct result of that desire. While I may not post as often as I like, when I feel I have an idea worthy enough to be shared, I post. I put my thoughts out there for the world to see. I will soon be publishing two more blogs... one dedicated to my journey into fatherhood, and one dedicated to my graphic arts. I'll still post on here, of course, but when I have thoughts that relate specifically to raising my daughter, they'll go into the daddy blog, and the graphic arts blog will be primarily to show my work to indivduals who are interested in, without weighing them down with all this other stuff called a mind. :D

Thank you all for your continuing interest, and I look forward to entertaining you all in the future. Talk at you soon!

Now YOU Can Control the Creative Process!

2010-06-02T19:38:00.000-07:00

Most folks who know me know that I have what we'll call "creative tendencies." I enjoy being able to use my imagination to entertain myself and others. What I make no secret about is the fact that I also am amazingly and easily distracted by new ideas. I can be working on one idea, and another idea will pop into my head, which causes me to stop and say, "Ooh, pretty!" and pet that new idea like tomorrow's new puppy.

I've struggled for years to figure out some way to overcome this. My main problem is this: If I'm creating and entertaining for myself, once I've fleshed the idea out in my head, and have visualized said idea, I no longer need to tell that idea, as I already know how it turns out. Knowing how it turns out causes me to get bored with it, and I become more susceptible to those incoming new ideas that long to distract me.

Yesterday, I think I came up with a solution. I think I have to approach a creative job with the intent not to entertain myself so much, but rather to entertain YOU people. I can't create for me. I need to create for you.

So.. here's the deal. I'm hell-bent on creating a graphic novel (a miniseries would be great, but I'll settle for creating a single 22-page story). I've been toying around with drawing on a more consistent basis, retraining myself with the new tools of my hobby, and well, to be honest, I wanna show what I can do. I just don't know what I want to do. I'll start working on putting together one story, then get distracted by another, then another, etc. I currently have nine, yes NINE, story ideas running amok in my head. Some of these ideas are only a couple of months old, while some date back to ten years or more.

This is where you, my adoring public (hah!) come in to play. I'm going to list very bare bones synopses of these nine ideas, and I want to know what story you want me to create. Some of the listed ideas I've done previous research and development on, and some are just really nice ideas that run about in my head for extended periods of time. A couple of the ideas were even inspired by previous role-playing sessions that some of my buddies and I had. I'm not going to tell you which is which, however. I just want you to look at the basic ideas and tell me which you like best.

This list will be posted in several locations, so if you end up reading it repeatedly, I apologize in advance. I will look at all my feedback from all various forums after a week or so of time, and whichever idea has the most interest will be the idea I pursue. In the event of a tie, I will decide based upon my own interest level in the project. I will post the results, and will then start working on developing, writing, and drawing the idea out into at least one 22-page story, standard comic book format. Please realize that I do have a full time job, I'm looking for a part time job on top of that, AND I have a pregnant wife and a baby due sometime next month, so whatever work I do WILL be slow. but I will be doing work. For you. Because you asked me to.

So, with no further delay.... the ideas!

Zen Savage:

Five years ago, ex-Special Forces soldier Raymond Savage was sentenced to life without parole in a maximum security prison for the brutal murder of a gang banger and his cronies. Now, the victim’s brother is preparing to strike back at Raymond the only way possible… by targeting Raymond’s grown daughter, Zen.

Broken Asset

Marcus Reilly returns home after almost twenty years in hiding, unwilling to discuss his past with his parents. Michel Rourke is a former French Legionnaire who was betrayed by the CIA agents he was working for. Emar is a professional assassin whose sole client sold him out to his target. Three unique identities collide as one man seeks to escape the path he willingly tread on his search to lose his soul.

The Killing Manne:

Edgar Manne is many things. Soldier. Hunter. Killer. Sorcerer. When a long forgotten friend is brutally slain by demonic forces, Edgar must delve into old wounds in order to uncover why his friend was killed, and find out how to protect the next victims… including himself.

The Nephilin:

Trina Santiago is one of the best detectives on the force. When the slaying of an unassuming scholar lands on her desk, she finds herself hurled into a world of dark forces, devious magics, and angelic terror as she finds that she is the key to the destruction of all of creation.

Wicked Smile:

FBI Special Agent Nora Kelly is a brilliant investigator,. She is also recovering after years of experimentation during her stint with the US Military’s Psionic Warrior program. When her former commander awakens from a five year coma with a thirst for power and revenge, Nora must embrace the full extent of what she once was, regardless of the consequences, in a bid to stop her commander and his team from wreaking havoc and destruction across the foundations of the government.

Star Wars- Rogue Force:

Three years after the Yuzhan Vong War, SpecForce Commando turned Jedi Marko Jeek hunts down rogue Force users who have turned to the Dark Side… men and women that Marko himself trained to be the most fearsome killers that the Vong had ever faced. In the efforts to stem the rising Darkness in the galaxy, is the battle worth a man’s soul?

Ravendale:

The city of Ravendale is fast becoming a cesspool of corruption, crime, and despair. Ares 7 is a FutureSoldier weapon system developed by the US Government, deployed to Ravendale as an experimental law enforcement agent. Ares teams up with the unlikely heroes Shayd and Krome, the former is a shadow manipulator and teleporter, the latter is a metal and energy manipulator. Together, the threesome struggles to combat the corruption and crime in the city, the super villains rising up to gain power and claim everything around them for themselves, and the devious secrets of their own pasts.

The Contractor:

Sean Mercer is a veteran of the first Gulf War and Mogadishu. After leaving the Rangers in 1994, he thought he’d found his calling in private military contracting. Years later, Sean is tired and just wants to find a peaceful life. However, a corrupt and revenge-minded politician has other plans for Sean.

Three:

Arim Harklin is a killer for hire, gleefully making his coin by way of shadow and knife. Braunen is a barbarian warrior from the northern steppes, proud and honor-bound. Talos is an elven chaos mage, who bends the very elements of “what if” to his whim. These three men, unlikely allies indeed, are all that can stand against the rising might of the Dragon King and his attempts at ruling the realms with an iron fist.

#12- Losing My Geek Cred?

2010-05-14T17:04:00.000-07:00

Back when I was in high school, one of the last things I wanted to hear was that I was a geek. Back then, I don't think our society had the appreciation for geekdom that it does now. Oh sure, the fluff bunnies and meat heads will still try and tell you that being a geek is a bad thing, that it will just soooo totally kill your social life, but let me ask you this: Do you really give a fuck about what the likes of Spencer Pratt and Paris Hilton have to say? If you do, well... I think you've shown up at the wrong blog. You might wanna flee the scene before you realize just how superfluous ideas such as theirs truly are. You'll feel better, trust me.

Aaaaas I was saying.. I didn't want to be told I was a geek back then. Even later on in life, I didn't want to hear about how geeky I was. It wasn't until maybe ten years ago that I even STARTED to gain an appreciation for the unique qualifier of "geek," and a couple of years after that before I started to embrace that ideology.

I need to clarify something real quick. There are different types of geeks out there. Just because one is, for instance, a comic book geek, that doesn't make that one a computer geek as well. Not all geeks are created the same, and while some may have a penchant for blaring out "Amazing Grace" on a saxaphone so sweetly that God will weep, other have a flair for whipping up culinary delights that would make Emeril remove his own vocal chords.

I've never been driven too terribly deep into any one trend of geekdom. Instead, I've been lucky enough to be blessed with a wide range of talents and interests that are only 'moderate' in their excellence, as opposed to having one or two fields in which I am uber. To quote from Betty White (you get Star Trek points if you know where the quote originates from), "I'm a little of column A, and a little of column B." This actually works quite well with being all ADD and what not, as I can hop from one geek field to the other as my mind dictates, and not have to worry about not having something that I enjoy.

Except...

I'm a working schlub. I have a manufacturing job in a factory that takes up a great deal of my daily energy. I also have a pregnant wife that I do my best to take care of. I have money concerns because of the soon to be arriving baby. I tend to get stressed and fatigued. I have four cats that require my attention as well. In short.. I don't have time to be a geek. By the time I get done with everything I have to do in a day, then check emails and other messages, post what little I do on various websites, I don't have the time or energy required to really engage in any of my geekly pursuits. Yesterday I turned on my Xbox for the first time in two or three months in order to play a game... a real game, not a five minute demo. I don't have time and energy to play video games... wtf? I've also been trying to work on a couple of drawing/writing projects, and with everything I have to do, its, shall we say, difficult to sit down with the computer long enough to create whatever needs to be created.

I'm trying to rectify this problem.... I'm trying to figure out ways to shoehorn what I need to do in with what I want to do. I'm trying to make certain people aware of my need to go and.. geek out. And I'm trying to reconnect with my geek roots.

To that end, I've actually started working on teaching myself programming. This usually means that during my breaks and lunches at work, inseatd of reading a novel, I'm reading textbooks.. yea, real good way to NOT go comatose in a hot factory, yea? I'm currently reading up on programming theory and structures, and from there I'll probably start exploring HTML and Java. After that, I'm planning on playing around with Visual Basic. At least, that's the plan, anyhoo.

Now why would I do this, you may ask. I certainly have no need to learn any programming. The thing is, I have a few friends that I enjoy hanging out with. These folks are in what I call the scary-smart range. I like and respect these folks a great deal, and I tend to take cues about the person I would like to be from them. This isn't imitation or copying, but rather a look at qualities I admire and strive to bring out in myself (there was an unfortunate period of time where one friend and I had the dumb luck to wear similar clothing and hair styles for a period of about a week or two... whenever we saw each other, we were wearing the same colors and styles. Just bad luck, not a desire to emulate). Two of these friends in particular, whom I am fortunate enough to have live within two blocks of me, are quite familiar with computers and programming. In speaking with both of them at length about the subject, I've come to realize that this was a field that I should have become more familiar with years ago. Once you get into it, the logical though progression is interesting, and lets face it, the chance to make good money with computer skills is much higher than trying to make a good wage with a cardboard box.

I'll never be Gates or Woz. I'll never be a Metnick. But I have the chance to actually learn something useful and reconnect with a neglected part of who I would like to be. In doing that, in reclaiming that little bit, maybe I can somehow get back to being more of me than I have been.

Maybe I can get back to being a geek again... even if it is part-time.

#11- Back Into the Swing

2010-02-22T16:40:00.000-08:00

The past few weeks have been hectic. My computer died completely, so I had to format the drive and reinstall my OS (and no backups of any of the saved work I had... yeaaaargh! I almost have to turn in my geek card on that one!). As luck would have it, though, I was able to install my OLD hard drive as a slaved drive, and some of my work has a first iteration on that drive.. plus I have copies of my resume and work history on my cellphone (geekwin!).

I've had to back away from the Xbox for a bit because we decided to put down brand new carpeting in the master bedroom and the baby's room, and we wanted (me) to repaint those rooms before the new carpet went in. Originally, we were going to do the main bedroom first, then a few weeks later we were going to do the baby's room, that way we'd have an easier time shifting all of our crap back and forth, but my wife decided that'd we (I) would do both rooms at the same time... and the carpet install was scheduled for a week after my wife informed me of this decision. As such, I spent that week scrambling to get everything moved out of BOTH rooms (the office, dining room, and living room are currently nigh-unusable), and then spent the weekend before the install day painting both rooms. A quick note... oil based primers are NOT good to use indoors with bad ventilation. I will not make any comments about how friggin stoned (in a bad way) I was. I also need to mention that during this week, I was helping my mom move into her new place. Yea... I got spread a bit thin, let's say.

The rooms got painted finally, and the following day the carpet was installed, and I'm SLOOOOOWLY working on getting our crap back into those rooms. There's not a huge rush on it because we're planning on doing a yard sale in the next month or so, and we're going to put a lot of this crap out to become someone else's problem (failing that, we're just going to donate the stuff to a local thrift store). As part of my recovery effort, I started getting back into playing Xbox again, and in particular I've been working on redeveloping my Modern Warfare 2 skills. The first couple of days back in MW2, my kill/death ratio was suckin' hard, but by day 3, I started breaking even again, and by day 5, I was consistantly topping the scoreboard for my team and busting positive (one great game had us winning, with me topping the charts with 25 kills, 8 deaths. For me, that's a good day).

As mentioned, my computer kicked the bucket, but I was able to reincarnate it. Sadly, one thing I could not bring back was the little bit of work I'd done on a screenplay I'm working on. Being as how I hadn't been enjoying a positive outlook on life for the past few weeks, I figured that it was probably for the best and that I would just not worry about it.... but then a funny thing happened.

One of my friends had helped me move some furniture for the painting/carpeting I had to do, and instead of buying him lunch, he told me I just owed him a drink. We made plans to hang out the following weekend, relax, and just chill out (he and his wife are going through the repainting woes as well). While relaxing and shooting the breeze, he started asking me a couple of questions about the part I had thought about having him play in the screenplay, should we ever get around to turning it into a movie. No major questions, really, just mainly asking me about the fighting style that particular character would be using. From the onset, that doesn't seem like much, but it let me know that SOMEONE besides me is still interested in seeing how the story turns out. That felt... good. So today at work, I ended up swinging alot of ideas around in my head, and started mentally rewriting what I had previously established. I'll probably start the physical rewrites later this week or this weekend, and we'll see where the renewed interest takes me.

I also sat down at the end of last week and jotted out notes for all the major stories I have running around in my head, whether they be screenplays, novels, or graphic novels.... I currently have 7 seperate ideas kicking around in my skull, all vying for differing levels of attention at various times. What I may end up doing is creating one master folder on the computer with seperat subfolders for each creative project... and then I'm gonna back that bitch up on the other hard drive, possibly my cellphone, and with online storage.

I'm trying to get back where I need to be as far as what I wanna do, but it gets difficult, what with dealng with that fiasco called life, plus having a baby on the way and trying to prepare for THAT particular joyous hellstorm... I'll definately be making a seperate post on that within the next couple of days. I'm sure that if I can get the mundane stuff leveled out, I'll be okay... I just gotta get that level.... heh.

#10 Storytelling in videogames.. or, Why am I killing tourists????

2010-01-22T10:17:00.000-08:00

I've been meaning to write something about this for a while, but every time I have the time, I forget to write about it, and when I remember to write about it, I'm at work and away from a computer. Go figure. But here I am, at home, in front of my computer, and I've got the beginings of an idea in my head for this topic, so here we go.. aren't you the lucky ones, suckers?

Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2. If you're unfamiliar with the game, you might want to take a moment to Google it. Go ahead, I'll wait. Maybe check Wikipedia for a more complete synopsis. Take your time, I'm not going anywhere.

Now, depending on how detailed of a search you've done, or how much you follow the gaming industry in general, you may have found that there's a teensy, tiny bit of controversy surrounding this game. Titled, "No Russian," one of the story chapters (( SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!!!)) has you walking through a russian airport terminal with a bunch of Russian Mafiya buddies mowing down innocent civilians, and then fending off swarms of cops. Yes, you read correctly... you mow down unarmed, innocent civilians in an airport.

I was (un)lucky enough to come across a video of this level before I ever played the game, and I was mildly disturbed by it. In fact, the first time I played it, the only time I fired my weapon was when the cops were firing upon me. Here's the thing though.... the videos, spoilers, etc that you find on the interwebs do not reallydiscuss the ramifications of the level, or the underlying message thereof. Oh yea.. there IS a message, and its a fucking good one, if you know how to see it.

The preamble for the mission is that one of the characters you play in the game, a US Army Ranger (hooah!) gets retasked to work undercover for an elite, international antiterrorist unit. The mission he is given is to infiltrate a russian mafia gang at all costs in order to locate a nuclear device that the Mafiya leader supposedly purchased. To that end, while the game doesn;t detail the hows and whys, the next level you play as that character is the "No Russian" level, and it is presumed that the character has worked hard and developed a certain level of trust within the organization.

So on this level, you and your "buddies" are walking through, killing everything in sight. You do NOT have to fire. Even when the police show up and start shooting, you can get through the level just fine without ever firing a shot. Why does this matter, you may ask. You're still playing someone involved in a terrorist activity, its still an evil, reprehensible depiction of antisocial activity. Yes, it is.. and that's the point... because there is a message in that evil and terror.. a question to be asked, if you will....

In order to stop a great evil, what evils are we willing to partake of ourselves?

Its quite Nietzschian, really, staring into the abyss and fighting monsters and what not. What do we let ourselves become in order to stop what we view as "a bad thing?" What is too high of a price, what is an acceptable price?

Now, this is some pretty deep shit for a videogame. It gets even deeper at the end of the level when ((SPOILER FUCKIN' ALERT)) it turns out the leader of the Mafiya gang knows you're a spy the whole time, and executes you for the authorities to find and identify... an American involved in a terrorist activity on Russian soil.

Whiskey tango foxtrot, man!

It's the ultimate twist on the monster paradigm referenced moments ago... yea, you delved into your own dark heart, you killed along side (or at least didn't stop) these criminal thugs, and to what avail? None whatsoever. Its absolutely pointless. You became a monster, a bad guy, for nothing.

Now, the philistines amongst you (if you're looking around to see who I'm refering to, you're it) are probably thinking, "What the fuck, man, why play a level that has no point?" That is exactly the point. It is a message that indicates that sometimes, the extreme actions we take are of no import whatsoever. Sometimes, there is no happy ending. Sometimes, life just fucking sucks nine ways to Sunday.

Some of you may note that I'm completely ignoring the analogs to the current political and military climate. Good for you, you're observant. All I'll say about that is, it is up to the individual to pull what they will from the aforementioned scenario in terms of what it says about our current governmental policies. It is not for me to color your perspective with my own opinions (now how many times are you going to find a blog that says that, huh? I am the shit!).

Now, despite how completely awesome I think the overall message from the "No Russian" level is, and how amazing I feel it fits in with the whole story, it should be pointed out that when the game first starts, you CAN opt to skip the level. You don't have to play it. You can guard your delicate sensibilities and whistle your happy little tunes without bearing witness to the utter atrocitiy that is a part of life, whether we choose to believe it or not. If you have the least bit of social sensibilty, I think the level should be played. I think what it says, and more imortantly, how it makes you feel, is very important and I believe it will change how you view what we do in the military and covert world.

If you're an antisocial deviant who just gets off on killing unarmed civilians, I say get bent and go play GTA or something... any higher message is lost on you.

That brings me to another point.... Activision and Infinity Ward (the folks who publish and
create the game, respectively) have gotten a LOT of flak for this level of the game, despite the fact that it actually IS saying something, the slaughter ISN'T a pointless trip into the shadowy depths of our own inherent evil. However, it has become accepted by mainstream media to play GTA or Saints Row and go around killing unarmed civilians for days on end with no reason, no serious repercussion, no social message. Just snipe some poor fucker from 200 yards because its fun.

Don't get me wrong.. I enjoy playing some GTA 4 and some Saints Row2... and I have taken my ire out on the unsuspecting simpletons that populate those worlds.... but why doesn't mainstream media point out how dispicable and heinous those actions are? Yea, sure, that fuckwad Jack Thompson tried to call people's attention to games like that (as well as other games with a social message, such as Bully), but because he cried wolf so many times, no one took him seriously (as mentioned in a previous post, the dipshit was disbarred). There are still watchgroups who constantly tell us that the actions in these games are bad, but there has never been an outrage to to running your car through a shopping mall and splattering shoppers all over your new paint job just for the hell like the outrage leveled against MW2 for actually having violence MEAN something.

That's what it boils down to, for me... its all well and good to have violence for the sake of violence (I is a fan of violence, after all), but in our desensitized culture, when we have violence that actually MEANS something, that actually portrays a serious undertaking for the purposes of understanding what we as a fucked up species do, we should definately take notice, and maybe find out WHY it makes us feel as strongly as it does, as opposed to giving in to the kneejerk reaction of, "Its bad, burn it!"

For as long as man will exist, there will be violence. As long as life in any form exists in the universe, there will be violence. Its how everything was designed and made. While I believe that we should strive to be as nonviolent as possible, it is completely idiotic and unrealistic to think that we will ever be rid of violence, because not everyone believes that violence is a bad thing. Criminals, warlords, corporations.. they know that violence gets them what they want. Nature knows that violence gets it what it wants.. when's the last time you saw a lion sweet talk a gazelle into her belly? The universe knows that violence gets it what it wants (need a star here? Ignite an explosion in that ball of gas. A solar system spent too much time hanging around and won't move on? Make the star go supernova). And lets face it.. many of us find violence to be entertaining... why else do we have so many combative sports out there like football, boxing, MMA, hockey, and rugby, for instance? Or violent war and crime movies, or violent video games? The violence code is written on the genetic level in our DNA. Yes, we should strive to NOT be violent when dealing with others, but we need to recognize it for what it is, and embrace it when appropriate.

Hmmm.. I seem to have gone off on a tangent for a bit... no matter, I'll let it stand as it is. The point (initially) for this post is simply this: When you have an event happen in a game that makes you feel strongly one way or another on an emotional level (and not something like, "OMG, this Avatar game just SUCKS!"), when an event RESONATES within you for some reason and illicits an emotional response, that's the product of good storytelling. If we feel good because of a story, there's a reason why. If we feel dirty because of a story, there is a reason why. Instead of trying to censor or ban the stuff that makes us feel bad, try to find out WHY and resolve those issues, or come to grips with those issues. Maybe THAT will help us become better human beings moreso than pretending the bad stuff doesn't exist.

And for the curious... the rest of the game will definately illicit strings of 4-letter words as the story unfolds. The game is pretty damned good... the STORY is sooo much better.

#9 Holy Crap, I'm on fire!!!!

2010-01-01T20:51:00.000-08:00

New Years Eve. It's a time for friends and family to get together and enjoy one another's company as the ending of the year gives reason to pause and reflect on the past year, to bask in the bittersweet nostalgia of that reflection, and to experience the joy of hope, however fleeting, that the promise of a new year, a new start, may bring.

Aaaaaaand... it's as good a reason as any to get drunk and play with fire.

I've got a long standing rule that I try to adhere to. When I drink, I try to have no more than two drinks, so that I can keep my wits about me in case something happens that requires me to be able to think clearly.

Hiding a body is best done whilst not giggling uncontrollably and stumbling about nigh incapable of placing one foot in front of the other. Makes for some good blog stories, but those will be for another post at another time.

I kid, I kid.... you think I'm gonna give details like that on the internet? Sheesh, people trying to get me arrested and shit.

ANYhoo..... lots of stuff has happened over the past year, some good, some bad. Wedensday after I got off work, I made a little trip to the liquor store to stock up on party supplies for this coming New Years Eve party being held at a friend's house. I gave serious thought to the self imposed limit about drinking, and wondered, not for the first time, if I should cut loose and actually let myself have some fun.

(Here's a hint as to what I decided... there's a reason why I chose the title for this blog post).

One of the bottles I bought was a nifty little concoction comprised of 190 proof alcohol. Not to name names, but it starts with an E and rhymes with Everclear. A while back, I'd read a few posts online about making flaming drinks. I know what you're thinking.. you can't believe anything you read on the internet. Oh, and uh.. yea.. drunkeness and fire sounds like fun.

Thursday night, my wife and I got over to our friends' house, goodies and bottles and lighter in hand. We all chatted for a few minutes and several of us retreated to the kitchen where I could start setting up my bartending station. I then realized that I'd left my fire extinguisher at home, but figured that it should be okay, nothing unduly bad could happen, right?

I started out by making a drink my wife had conceptualized... starting with a highball glass, I mixed a chocolate martini (vodka, Kaluha, creme de caocao, Bailey's Irish Creme, and milk), the I prepared a shotglass with vodka, Kaluha, and topped with a float of Everclear. With my friends watching, I leaned in close, held the lighter to the drink, and pulled the trigger.

It was beautiful. A sheen of pale blue flame, topped with the occassional dazzling flare of orange, spread out over the top of the shotglass. I picked up the shotglass, held it over the center of the highballl glass, and dropped it in, akin to a Jaeger bomb.

Thus the first incarnation of what my wife dubbed, "The Sweet Flaming Rimjob," was born.

Several other flaming drinks soon followed, including the SnakeCharmer (creme de menthe, vodka, Kaluha, milk, and a floater of Everclear) and the Troll on Fire (Jaeger bombs with Monster instead of Red Bull, and Everclear on top of the Jaeger, set on fire).

In the midsts of our drinking amusement, I decided that I would attempt to eat fire. A quick note... I learned to do this trick when I was 12 years old, and it's pretty damned easy to do once you know how its done. That being said, do NOT try this, or any of what you read in this post, at home. After a couple of failed attempts at rigging a flame holder (one attempt caused my to drop the flame on myself right before I tried to eat it... don't worry, I'm okay!), one of my friends and I both successfully ate several flames. This success urged me to greater stunts of daring.

Something akin to, "Hey ya'll, watch this!"

In the past, I had successfully filled my palm with isopropryl alcohol and set the puddle aflame with no harm to myself. I figured that would be another cool stunt. I figured I'd give that a shot, using Everclear. Standing over the sink, I poured a small bit into my hand. Being a tad unsteady, a good portion of this amount leaked through my fingers and along the back of my hand. Still holding the small amount of EC I had in my palm, I went ahead and used a paper towel to wipe the back of my hand off and proceeded with the stunt.

It is here that I must make another note... wiping excess alcohol off of one's hand does not mean that you've removed the excess alcohol from the skin itself. This is going to be very important in a moment.

Holding my hand over the sink, and with my friends watching, I placed the lighter by the puddle of EC in my palm and sparked it off.

My hand turned blue. It wasn't a chemical reaction to the alcohol that had caused this. No... it was the pretty pale azure flames that spread across the puddle in my hand and then immediately engulfed the rest of my alcohol soaked hand.

Time slowed down.

I lifted my hand in front of my face, staring at it, unbelieving, yet completely aware that the trick had gone horribly wrong. Blue flame licked across the surface of my flesh, hypnotic and alluring, yet vengeful and dangerous like a disrespected woman.

It looked SOOOOOooooo fuckin' cool. I wished we'd had a video camera rolling. That woulda rocked.

I then plunged my hand into the sink, which was filled with dishes and water. What, you think I was standing by the sink just because my friends had a totally bitchin' faucet? Drunk or no, I knew that water beats fire.

As any concerned, compassionate friends would do, the horrified onlookers that were my friends immediately expressed their concern... by laughing their asses off. I was laughing to, especially after pulling my hand out of the water and seeing that the back of my hand was devoid of hair. Oh hey, that explains that one smell I noticed. Otherwise, except for the slight stinging sensation, I was okay. I held fire in my hand, and only suffered a minor 1st degree burn that faded after a couple of hours.

My survival prompted a couple of my friends to immediately pull similar tricks, including at one point a couple of flaming birds (get your parents to explain if you have to). Eventually, we got distracted by other things in that spectacular way that only the inebriated can do.

The rest of the night was fairly tame by comparison. Good food and good drinks, fantastic company, and we'd gotten tired of setting ourselves and our beverages on fire. The evening was drawn to a close by a few hours of Xbox kareoke. It was a truly enjoyable, and surprisingly memorable evening.

All things considered, though, for me, the highlight of my evening was being able to say, "Oh shit, I'm on fire!"

#8 On Not Writing

2009-12-12T04:34:00.000-08:00

As I sit here at 630 in the morning on a Saturday, waiting to take one of the cats to the vet, I realize that this will sadly be one of those obligatory "I'm sorry I'm not writing" posts. It is, however, the truth. I'm sorry I haven't been writing to you people (all one of me), and while I can offer explanations, I can't really offer excuses.

Reason #1- My wife and I are big gamers. I may have mentioned that before. Not too long ago, my wife came across a couple of really good sales for Xbox 360 games. She has us stocked up. She also bought several newer titles for us to play, such as Modern Warfare 2 and Assassin's Creed 2. At last count, we have about 168 games for the 360. No, let that sink in a moment. 168. Fuckin'. Games. Okay, I'll be honest, some of the games are kinda crap, and were bought for the sole purpose of boosting gamer scores (trust Microsoft to come up with a way for gamers to overcompensate for little winkies.... though for whom is my wife compensating?!?), but some of these titles are pretty friggin sweet. Who knew I'd actually enjoy playing Farcry2? Although for pure, unadulterated good times, I have to embrace my inner Guido and say that Assassin's Creed 2 is my current go-to game for fun times.

Reason #2- When not gaming, I've been trying to SLOWLY develop a graphic novel. The idea for the novel came from an offhand comment my wife had made about potential future baby names. She suggested one that I immediately said no to, yet the more I thought about it, the more the idea stuck to me for a comic book idea. I've been engaging in a lot of research to make the story plausible, and I've been having to reteach myself Photoshop from a comic book artist's perspective (gotta say, humminahumminahummina wow, wish I'd learned this shit years ago!!!).

Reason #3- I've been involved in an indie comedy film that we've been screening for a couple of local audiences (by involved in, I was one of the comedic relief actors IN A COMEDY!!! Any idea how hard THAt shit is?!?). The movie has been better recieved than I thought it would be, and we're currently trying to get it accepted at several film festivals, as well as trying to schedule more screenings for it. I may never be a famous star, but I can say that I've co-starred in a movie, and chances are pretty good that you haven't.

Reason #4- Ever since co-starring in a fairly well-recieved indie comedy, I've been bitten once again by the acting bug. I'm wanting to try a more serious role, possibly along the lines of an action suspense type thing. Not looking to star in it, because I'm not leading man material, but I wouldn't mind being a major villain. However, my writer/director has other projects going on right now, so I'm left role-less for the time being. Ah, but wait! I'm a creative kinda guy myself, right? So now I've been bitten by the friggin' writing bug, and am therefore currently researching and starting to plot a screenplay specifically for local filming and acting. Normally, I'd have dismissed the idea of writing and trying to direct a screenplay because, well, you need an entire crew and a large group of actors to do a movie... but wait! I'm PART of the cast and crew of a local indie film troupe now!!!! We has options, yea? So the graphic novel has been set aside while I try to excorcise this latest demon.

Reason #5- I'm gonna be a daddy. Yup.... I done went and reproduced, it seems, My wife found out a week or so ago that we're expecting, and I have to say I'm kind of interested in seeing how all of that turns out. By kind of interested, I of course mean that I've been floored with excitement and buzzing with energy, and have to fight myself to keep from mentioning my impending daddy-dom to every person I talk to.

No... seriously. I, of all people, am gonna be a dad. Do you know how utterly amazing that is? I'm a pretty creative and intelligent guy, and I have to say that I'm sitting here unable to come up with how to describe the sheer magnitude of anti-suck rendered by this turn of events. Just... wow.

So there you have it.. the top 5 reasons why I haven't been posting on here. I thought about doing a top-ten list, but I figured David Letterman would appear and karate-chop me in my soul for infringing on his schtick. So, I give you five instead, and keep my esoteric being wonderfully unchopped.

Until next time, kiddies...

#7 I Have the Coolest Wife in the World... and You Don't.

2009-11-16T17:00:00.001-08:00

My wife and I have been together for a little over 3 years now, and have been married for about 8 months. I've been a fairly lucky guy in the fact that she generally accepts my geekiness and occassional fanboydom and only gives me minor grief about it.

A year ago, my wife bought me an XBox 360 for a late birthday/early christmas gift. I was totally psyched about it and played the hell out of it, occassionally renting new games in order to give those a whirl. One of the games I rented changed the course of my marriage for all time... Saint's Row 2.

While playing the game and messing with some of the customizations, Sarah commented that the game looked kind of interesting. I let her make a character on it and play around on it. We created a gamertag for her and let her play around on her own account for a while (we hadn't yet made the leap to playing online). She enjoyed the game well enough that I ended up buying it for us, and we also bought playable DLC as it came out. Sarah loved the game.

THEN... we made the jump to XBox live a few months later, and in that simple moment, everything changed. Slowly at first, and then with more confidence, Sarah began to find Saints online to play with. And oh dear god, did she play with them. It got to the point where I couldn't play anymore because Sarah was using the Xbox all the time. So, I started discussing the possibility of getting a used Xbox so that I could play my games again as well.

My wife ended up buying another XBox for herself, so that I could have mine back. I placed mine in the office and hooked it up to my 20" widescreen computer monitor, and Sarah installed hers (an Elite) in the living room, hooked up to our 42" LCD widescreen.

Sarah also ended up getting a Platinum Power Play account at our local Movie Gallery, which allows us to basically rent whatever games we want whenever we want for as short or as long as we want, for one flat monthly fee. This is a pretty good deal for a couple who has the attention span of a spastic chiahuaha. Additionally, my wife is pretty damned good at spotting deals, and is always finding games for us to add to our permanent collection.

Sarah's become a hardcore gamer. She doesn't play things like Viva Pinata or shit like that, oh no, not my girl. No, she goes in for SR2, as mentioned already, Gears of War 2, Tekken 6, Street Fighter 4, and she just recently picked up Modern Warfare 2 and Borderlands. Also, we have Left 4 Dead 2 and Assassin's Creed 2 on their way because of her.

Dude, do you know how hot it is to have a chick who understands flanking tactics and proper sniper deployment?

And she's mine... all mine. No... you may NOT have her Gamertag.

Have a nice day knowing that my wife is much cooler than yours. She keeps me in games and gear. Yours MIGHT let you play occassionally.. after you wash the dog. Sucks to be you, rocks to be me. Ta!

#6- The Curse of a Steady Paycheck

2009-09-28T20:18:00.000-07:00

You know what I hate most about my job? More than the fuckin' idiots I have to work with? More than the management that really doesn't know what the hell its doing? More than coming home dirty and filthy every day, crusted with dried sweat (yea, there's a sexy image for you, chicas)?

Being too exhausted to want to do anything else.

Now, as much of a lazy slacker as I say I am, I will absolutely work my ass off if the job requires it, and my job, sadly, requires it. I've made peace with that and I accept it.

Acceptance does not breed contentment.

Quite often during the work week, I'm soaked with sweat by eight in the morning, and stay that way until well after I get home. More often than I'd like, I experience arm or leg cramps while I'm sitting at the computer or lying in bed. As I get more fatigued, my brain has a tendency to gel up, and I become less aware of my surroundings, and my thought process grinds like a '76 Pinto in need of an oil change.

I'm not special in that regard. A hell of a lot of blue collar workers come home like that every day, and they somehow find a way to do everything else they have to do, and I commend the hell out of 'em for that. They're better people than I am, because more likely than not, I'm just too dog-assed tired to try.

Don't get me wrong, I still take care of the cats, cook at least three dinners a week, and do the dishes at least three nights a week. But, yea.. not much more than that.

By the time I get home, I don't want to draw, I don't want to write. Dear god, today I got home and didn't even want to play video games. Seriously, me not want to play video games? And sadly, today wasn't a bad day at work.

Its just that creativity, for writing or drawing, takes some work, and when I get home, I'm usually all worked out. The games take a certain amount of creative analysis, problem solving skills, and hand-eye coordination. That latter part is real tricky when you can't really feel your hands.

I don't want all of you out in TV land to think that this post is just a "Woe-is-me, I need pity" post. I've worked this job for seven and a half years, if what I do is coming as a surprise to me at THIS stage, I need to go play in traffic. Blindfolded. At night. Wearing a ninja costume.

Rather, this post is more of a way of explanation for those who may know me and read this blog. I've been trying to write, and I've neen trying to do some drawing. Between work and life in general, not a whole lot is getting done, and I truly feel like crap about that. I haven't promised anything to anyone, but I would LIKE, at some point, to have something tangible I can point to and say, "See, I did this."

The closest I'm getting to writing is this blog and Facebook (I told you already, shaddap). Granted, it ain't War and Peace, but it at least gives me some sort of outlet, while at the same time allowing me to hone certain communication skills. As for my drawing, well, I may get a doodle or two in at work if I'm not trying to sneak a catnap on break or play Solotaire on my cell phone (or check my Facebook page.. shaddap).

Occassionally, I'll have an influx of energy that willd rive me to do something, and when that happens I ride it. When it doesn't happen, well, the best we can hope for is a drawn out and meaningless blog rant, yea?

Its 1040 pm, and I never did get my morning coffee, so I think I'm gonna turn in now. It's been a pleasure, folks.

Post #5: Jack Thomspon can get bent!

2009-09-21T16:50:00.000-07:00

I like video games. Um, duh, its like a prerequisite for geekdom, pretty much. Additionally, being the combat hound that I am, I tend to naturally gravitate towards more violenty games. Violent games act as a catharsis for me, allowing me to release the pent up frustrations that the day brings about (my current fave is UFC Undisputed, because it's just too much fun to kick someone's teeth in as.. me!). If one listens to various facets of the media, however, one can hear opinions that video games cause violence, drug use, and are tools of the devil. Certainly, there are examples of all of these in extreme cases.... but as with the DnD scare back in the 80s, if these kids didn't have GTA to go nuts over, they'd find some other assinine outlet for their depravity.

Now, however, I offer to you, the loyal reader, this article. I read it. I smiled. I rejoiced. Score one for the geek guys.

http://www.escapistmagazine.com/news/view/94875-Buddhist-Religious-Leader-Says-Games-Satiate-Aggression

WITG Pt 2

2009-09-20T18:27:00.000-07:00

Okay, I know it's been a while since I posted part 1 and the addendum for "Who Is This Geek," but please bear with me. I ended up working some crazy overtime, and then had to deal with just being exhausted by work and stuff the following week. I didn't forget about you (all one of you?), its just that life has not allowed me to continue my posting.

Until now.

To give a recap of Pt 1 for those who are just tuning in (all one of you) and are too lazy to go back and read previous posts... geek in high school, barely got lucky, drama, video game, and rpg geek, martial arts practitioner, didn't graduate with my class due to excessive laziness in regards to homework and had to go to summer school and night school to make up for lost credits (what does it say about a person who takes Physical Science as an elective for night school?). During my last year in school I had: a) no job opportunities, b) no car or licence, c)my girlfriend dump me, d) my parents decide to get a divorce, e) another romantic interest go south on me.. just 'cause, and e) no college opportunities.

It should be pointed out, if it wasn't already clear, that I was perhaps an angry teen, who had too much smarts for his own good (all humility here, folks, trust me), and absolutely no drive to use them. I felt that I had no options, no paths to take, and no future. As such, I did what any angsty near-genius in my position would do.

I joined the fuckin' Army.

I originally had intentions of going into a computer or electronics field, but my recruiter (may the gods bless all recruiters, neh?) was one of these hard charging, former Green Berets, former MP and CID, and had a tendency to tell me some really cool stories (for the record, he never bought me lunch or anything.. guess he knew he already had a sale when I called them out of the blue right after Christmas and said, "I wanna join"). I decided that I would follow a similar path as my recruiter and join Military Police, because hey, I could become a cop after my Army time, right?

At the MEPS station in Tampa, while filling out my paperwork, the sergeant behind the desk asked me my career choice, and I told him, "I want to be an MP in Germany." I'd heard from some childhood friends who were Army brats that Germany was an awesome posting, which would give one access to all of Europe. I thought this was sweet. Until the sergeant told me, "MPs have a height requirement of 5'8". You're 5'7"." Yeouch. What the asshole failed to mention, and I didn't find out until years later, is that I COULD have gotten a waiver for my height. Lazy desk jockies.

Thinking quickly, I considered my only other option... "Give me a combat MOS." I should mention at this point that I had the Navy at the time courting me for several technical programs due to my astounding (all due humility) ASVAB scores. This would include the Navy Nuclear program, where if I scored in the top 10% of my class, the Navy would pay for my college degree free and clear. I'm a bright guy, right? I also had no common sense and a lot of anger issues.

"We have an opening for an echelon unit in the 25th Infantry Division, based out of Hawaii."

"Let me think about it for a minute. Okay, I'm there, sign me up."

I won't go into detail about my time in the military, except to say that as an infantry soldier (specifically, indirect fire infantry), my physical skillset wasn't great (turns out, I hate anything that requires stamina, such as running and road marches. Did you know they do a LOT of running and road marching in the infantry?), but my technical skills were fabulous (as evidenced by expert qualifications in every weapon system I laid my hands on.. except for hand grenades. Turns out, never playing catch with one's father makes you throw like a weak girl (shudder)). It also turns out that I REALLY hate dickhead authority figures. I do what I'm told, but I'm NOT happy about it.

During the last year of my Army service, we had a field training excercise where I and a group of fellow soldiers got to play civilian dissenters while another unit got to play peacekeepers. As I mentioned before, I used to be big into acting, and I decided that this was an opportunity to let myself shine. Oh yea, I did. I was a very convincing hateful civilian who despised the Army's presence in my home country, and the vitriol I was capable of producing was impressive even for me. After everything was said and done, the Battalion's reenlistment NCO, the sergeant who tries to get guys to renew their contracts, came up to me and told me that he'd been watching my performance along with the battalion commander.

"I will never let you reup," he told me. I took this well in two ways... one, it meant that I did a great job acting. Two, I didn't want to reup anyway, so I wasn't worried. Still, I thought that perhaps he was joking about it. Maybe.

My last bit of time in the Army, I spent in Haiti. If you ever get the chance to visit a third world country that's wallowing in dirt, corruption, and poverty... don't do it. It really, really sucks. I feel the need to make a note here... the Haitian people that I met and interacted with were absolutely fantastic, they were friendly to a fault, and seemed to genuinely enjoy our presence there. There were, however, many more that I did not interact with on any sort of friendly level ho were beggars, thieves, and criminals... these people tended to be in positions of power, such as the police force there we were trying to help replace. Nothing says, "Holy fuckballs," like going to give the cops their last paychecks and wondering if you were gonna have a shootout with them.

Fun times, fun times.

After I came back from Haiti, I spent my last month in the service preparing my paperwork and gear for my seperation from the military. In time honored tradition, I shirked duty and shammed my way out of menial tasks that any short-timer would be loathe to undertake (trust me, I'm not the only soldier who had a "meeting" during his last couple of weeks of service the same day he was assigned to buff and wax a hallway). One of those meetings happened to be with one of my biggest fans, the reenlistment sergeant.

Normally, these guys offer incentives to get soldiers to sign back up for another tour, they try to talk the guys into staying on and contributing to the evelopment of the nation's military force.

"Browder, you gonna sign back up?"
"No, sergeant."
"Cool."

And that was that. A couple of weeks later, I was on a plane heading for Nashville, TN. My mom and sister had moved to Tennessee while I was playing soldier, and convinced me to move there as well, because of the better job opportunities.

Um.. yea.

I spent several months just shamming at my mom's place, as I still had no car and no license. I spent my days out behind my mom's house, shooting and having more than the occassional runin with the cops. We were outside city limits, so it was legal for me to shoot to my heart's content, but my neighbors didn't enjoy my hobby, so they'd call the cops whenever they had the chance. As it so happens, even if one doesn't like being in the infantry, certain mindsets are difficult to overcome when suddenly dropped into a setting where they aren't needed anymore. I had even more anger issues after the Army than before I went in, and had even less chance to deal with them because I didn't realize at the time what was going on in my own head.

Eventually, I did get a job as a clerk in a bookstore, and moved out of my mom's place into an apartment with a coworker that was all of two blocks from where I worked. I enjoyed it at the time, though I found that I ended up with almost no money. Turns out, I was totally unprepared for the idea of paying rent and utilities. This indeed ended up being a rude wake-up call.

Due to other circumstances, my roommate and I parted ways on uncivil terms, I had also quit the bookstore and was working in a small retail store in the area, and from there had moved on to working for an alarm installation company. By this time, I did have my license, and a friend of mine was gracious enough to hook me up with my first car, which I promptly killed a month later (who knew you had to check transmission fluid?). I was also moving from one friend's home to another, with no chance for a permanent residence. My moods and mental state were not good during this point in my life.

I eventually moved in with a good friend and his girlfriend at the time (they later married and are still married to this day... awesome). She was gracious enough to let me stay in her living room, rent-free, for several months. We butted heads a few times because I was a pompous, arrogant dickhead who didn't know a sweet deal when he had one, and she didn't like being monetarily taken advantage of. Shortly after getting another car and a new job working in a factory, I was given an ultimatum... get out.

Truth be told, I don't blame her at all. I WAS a dickhead and an asshole, I know this. Hell, I think I knew it then, and as it turned out, being kicked out of their apartment was probably the best thing for me. Another "friend" of mine and I got a duplex together, and after a couple years and an influx and loss of several roommates over the course of those years, I ended up living in the place by myself, which was very awesome for a while. Unfortunately, I was by this time working at computer factory (who's name rhymes with "Hell,") that had very uncertain hours, and as such, my paychecks were unstable. Over the course of those years, I had learned to calm down quite a bit and take things in stride, and the friend and his girlfriend (at this time wife) who had let me stay with them before offered me a place to stay again. I'd have my own room, but I did have to pay rent, which was insanely cheap. As I was also swimming in debt at the time, I finally broke down and accepted their offer, as much as I enjoyed living on my own.

The following few years actually went fairly well, as it saw me stabalize in the job I had, saw me gain a girlfriend,and saw me join a local dojo for a long term... not in that order, mind you, but as stated before, I like to ramble. I joined the dojo, got a stable job, and then blew my knee out while training for a tournemant. During the recovery process for ACL replacement surgery, I hooked up with one of the female blackbelts at the dojo, and we dated for a few months. Didn't end well, as was my norm. The whole time, my buddy and his wife were true friends, letting me pay late on rent when I was waiting for my insurance checks, driving me to and from the hospital when I needed (including a nasty bout where an infection of the injured knee almost killed me), and lent an ear whenever I needed to share the horrid details of my life. I also got to be a part of their son's life, and am a proud "uncle."

Eventually, I got myself out of debt enough that I felt comfortable in moving back out on my own. We were all sad to see the parting of the ways, but we were also very glad that I left. I ended up getting an apartment a bit north of Nashville, and lived on my own for two fantastic years. I got myself out of debt, and enjoyed a life of easy bachelorhood.

Well, that last part wasn't exactly true. Remember, I'm a geek at heart, so it was only natural that I'd end up using the computer to find dates. I did this for quite a few years, with varying degrees of success. Once I was on my own, it seems that my online dating was limited to, well, just online. This relationships inevitabley ended in tears and depression (usually mine). A few of the breakups I didn't handle so well, and in all cases, I severed my ties with the woman I'd been talking to as completely as possible. Online dating suuuuuuuuucks.

Oddly enough, I met my wife online, while still living with my buddy and his wife.

She and I had started talking in several of the Yahoo and MSN chatrooms (back when MSN still HAD chatrooms.. yes, I'm that old). We had met and gone on a couple of dates, but at the time, I wasn't looking for any sort of relationship (anger issues had cropped up again, and I was dealing with all that). Things ended between her and myself in an inglorious, unnoteworthy fashion, and I never though of it again.. until....

About a year and a half after I'd gotten my own place, she called me up out of the blue, wondering what I was doing that day. It was a Saturday, and I had nothing planned, so she invited me to go to the Parthenon with her. It ended up being a very enjoyable day between friends, of which I still have photos somewhere. Over the following months, we went on severalmore actual dates and began to grow closer together. I found that having someone to share my life with was, I dunno, a calming thing, something that helped me deal with the stresses I dealt with in everyday life. She eventually moved in with me, and we lived together at the apartment for another year.

Eventually, we decided to take a big step and buy a house together. Well, she took the step.. I was too afraid to dissapoint her by saying no. :) Seriously, it's a huge step, something serious to commit to, and when you're not married to the person that you're embarking on such a serious endeavor with, you tend to get a bit nervous. It ALSO did not help that during this time, I had been laid off from my job and then brought back with a huuuuge reduction in pay. I was incredibly nervous.

Somehow, we made it work. not only that, but we took another big step a couple months shy of our 3 year anniversary together and got married. It was a small, cheap affair up in Kentucky, where marriage licenses are pretty cheap and unencumbered by mandatory marriage classes (can such a thing be taught?). Don't get me wrong, we have our moments. She's stubborn and posseses quite a bit of common snese, whereas I'm fairly laid back for the most part and possess a good work ethic and very little common sense. Don't ask me how that works, but somehow, it does. Sure, we get pissed at each other sometimes, and frustrated, but what couple doesn't? The point is, we still make it work. We accept each other for who we are. She knows I'm a geek, and while she tends to roll her eyes at a lot of my antics and humor, she knows that that's what I am. In fact, she's kind of turning into a video game geek herself, and I'd like to say that its in part thanks to me. Additionally, because of her, I've been learning to cook and take more responsibilities for my life and actions. I still have bouts of common senselessness (huh?), but because of her, I feel that I'm becoming a more well-rounded person.

That's who I am, in a nutshell. A few paragraphs on the interwebs can't accurately describe who a person is, only time and interaction can do that. However, I like to think that this cliff notes version of me is better than nothing. I think it paints a fairly decent, accurate if vague picture of the person I am, the person behind the words you're reading.

I'm a geek. Part of the time.

Addendum- WITG 1.5

2009-09-07T14:31:00.000-07:00

Wow... multitasking suuuuucks. Writing, chatting, dodging way too many cats... all without benefit of morning (afternoon) coffee. Makes a person forget things. I have coffee in hand now (a quad shot turkish/americana style espresso, home made, thank you very effin' much.. a dollop of whip cream on top to make life so much more pleasant), so let me rectify that mistake real quick.

Arguably one of the biggest aspects of geek culture is video games. Needless to say, I'm no exception to this. To this day, video games are a huge part of my life, and I feel slightly embarrassed at having forgotten to mention them ( I AM a part time geek, so cut me some friggin' slack!).

My first introduction to computers was an old Timex Sinclair 1000 my dad bought when I was fairly young. I had played video games before this (Pong and various arcade games), but arcades cost money, and I was loathe to ask my folks for a quarter so I could play PacMan. Usually, my arcade fun would be standing back and watching the demos play, or watching other people play. Hmmm... voyeuristic tendencies, anyone?

As most everyone knows, the TS 1K was NOT a game machine, hell, I think it barely qualified as a computer, but my dad was fascinated with it (oh dear god, gotta keep the cat OUT of the coffee, bad bad bad bad things!), and in following that facination, Dad eventually bought a Commodore 64 (not really a game machine per se, but it looked better than the Apple IIe in regards to graphics.. slooooooow load times though). He also bought a program that would change my life forever.... Zork.

The younger crowd will probably not really understand what Zork was, but the geeks in the know all just popped wood for a moment whilst remembering the terror of the grues (look it up, kids). In essence, Zork was a computerized Choose-Your-Own-Adventure novel with an almost limitless number of options, and revolutionary for the time, it understood full sentences, for the most part. Trust me, immersion factor taken into effect, it's much better to say in one sentence, "Go west, then take the sword, then go north, then kill the troll with the sword," than it is to type in, "Go w Take sword Go n hit troll ." Also, because of Dad's friends, I got to witness quite a bit of the growing computer culture at the time (sadly, I WAS a kid, and was more interested in games than I was learning how the damned things work.. ah, the foibles of youth). This let me in on a wide, heaping slice of computer gaming culture that a kid with my nonexistant income would otherwise not have had, and the boredome and tedium of non-game related activities notwithstanding, I left that part of my life more appreciative of the gaming and computer culture than I otherwise would have been.

Near the end of my school days, I got introduced to gaming on Apples, IBMs, and the Commodore Amiga. Each one had its pros and cons, and I'd like to think that I gained a wider appreciation for the different genres and computer camps. Granted, these days I would never think about gaming on a Mac, but I damned sure wish I had one for doing my artwork on!

Suffice it to say, I was in awe of what computers could do when I was growing up, and I see what they can do now and am humbled by how far we've come with computers... and a little scared. I'll get into some of that more in depth later on, but for now, I just wanted to give my nod to my videogaming roots, and not let my Kongs think I left them in another castle (that's in-brand cross-genre humor, folks. Trust me, I find it funny).

Okay, back to chilling and collecting my thoughts, and WITG vol. 2 should be out in a day or two.

Who IS this Geek?

2009-09-07T11:44:00.000-07:00

I've never talked about my past all that much, and never with any level of comfort. I don't have a BAD past (not counting that time in Yonkers... ;) ), its just that its such a boring past, I figure no one would be all that interested in it. I've often thought about writing a memoir or an autobiography, but I don't want to be responsible for putting that many people to sleep.. unless I can market such a work as some form of literary Ambien. That could make some bank.

Be that as it may, I promised that I'd introduce myself properly, so here we go. Grab your pillows and your sleep masks, kiddies.

I was born and raised in Florida. My dad was a professional photographer and owned his own photo shop, and my mom has done everything from working as an architectural designer to bartending and bouncing (more impressive when you realize my mom is all of 4'7"), to professional photography, to consignment store owner. I have a sister who's almost exactly one year younger than I am..

School was an... odd affair for me. With as much humility as I can muster, I was a gifted kid, but I got incredibly crappy grades in school. Something about the banality of homework, as I recall. It would piss teachers off to no end, because they knew I was smart enough for the material, but looking back, I think perhaps I had a bit of an attitude about how doing the work was beneath me. Oddly, that sounds a little better than, "I was effin' lazy and I didn't give a shit." Yea, I'm definately running with the 'attitude,' schtick.

Early on, scholastically, I discovered that I liked to draw. Again, with all humility, I was fairly good at it at the time, but even then I knew I wasn't great at it. We had some artists I went to high school with that were just amazing with a pencil. Also, another thing that held me back from the artwork was my level of laziness- er, attitude. :D I never really bothered to learn the basic techniques of drawing, or how to compose a good image. A few art classes in school notwithstanding, I taught myself how to draw, and had I paid attention in those few art classes instead of just doing my own thing, I might have been better now than I am. Ah well.

Another interest I had in school was acting. I think this came about when I was in 2nd grade, and my teacher, in an effort to try to get me to interact with the class, had my direct and act in a short little skit that was found in one of those kids' magazines (Highlights, I think). The skit was attrocious, as I recall, and worked in a way that only a second grader could halfway appreciate, but it got me doing something that I'd end up pursuing to some degree for the rest of my time in school... the stage.

I was introduced to role playing games when I was 10 years old. One of the kids in my 4th grade class had the old Dungeons and Dragons boxed set (the red box), and he let me borrow it. Holy crap on a cracker, but did that bug bite me good! My folks kind of helped that bug along by buying me a couple of the AD&D books later on, and listened patiently while I expounded on the virtues of monks over fighters and things like that. They also didn't buy into the 80s claptrap about how DnD was an evil tool of the devil. Even my grandmother, as devout of a catholic as I know, and still one of the best people I know for it, didn't give me any grief over my choice of entertainment. In that regard, parental figures supporting the interests of their kids, I was an extremely fortunate child, and I wish all kids could be as lucky as I was in that regard.

My interest in martial arts sprang into being when I was 4 years old. I was staying at my grandmother's house, and was sleeping in my uncle's room (who was gone for the evening). I was watching a late night movie that involved shaolin monks. That's all I remember of it, shaolin monks, but holy moly, the things these guys were doing was amazing! Over the years, I was able to catch a few kung fu and karate flicks, and as martial arts became more popular in movies and on TV, that particular interest grew to almost mythic proportions. I'll admit, the first bit of martial arts I learned was out of old issues of Black Belt magazine, some old Bruce Tegner self defense manuals my dad bought for me, whatever books I could find in our pathetically small city library, and the few tv shows and movies that I could find. I would go out behind my dad's store and practice my punches and kicks on the trees in the back parking lot, and somehow I didn't break anything. It may, however, explain some of the wrist and hip issues I have now, heh. While I was able to execute single techniques well, I had absolutely NO clue how to really use them in a fight. That would come later.

I don't try to remember a whole lot about middle and high school, because quite frankly it sucked for me. Despite my desire and aptitude for being on stage, I wasn't much of a people person, and seeing how I was an overly smart kid with no desire to use that intelligence in arenas outside his quirky interests, kids weren't lining up at my table at lunchtime to be my friends. Don't get me wrong, I had a few friends, but the majority of my school years was spent trying to avoid the people who would make my life miserable. In a moment of unprecedented candor, I will admit that my environment back then has probably shaped me moreso today than it SHOULD have, and if there's one thing I regret, its letting those formative years have more power over who I am today than they should. But don't tell anyone I said that, or I'll come to your house and kick you in the spleen.

I just deleted an entire paragraph about how I'm not a people person, what shaped me into becoming that, et al. The last thing I want to do is turn this blog into some sort of, "Pity me, I was picked on in school," cry for attention. Suffice it to say, I'm not a fan of bullies.

I also had teeeeerrrible luck with girls when I was growing up (who knew?), to the point that I found out my senior year that more than a few people thought I was gay because they'd never seen me with a girl. One would think that a few stories of my failed attempts at getting a date would have made the rounds at school and put that rumor to rest, but so be it.

This should not be taken as advocation of immoral behavior, but I got laid for the first time when I was 16, my junior year, and it did a world of good for me in regards to my self confidence and how I viewed myself. Generally speaking, I still wasn't very lucky in my romantic endeavors, but the boost in confidence I had helped me get through my remaining school years a little easier.

Okay, the confidence and the fact that by my senior year, most everyone knew I had a horrible temper and little regard for pain. Also, my senior year is when I began studying martial arts in earnest, and at the time, I was pretty damned good for what was available. I never went out picking fights, but whenever someone wanted to pick a fight with me, I wouldn't back down from it. Amazingly, I almost never fought my senior year.. I think one time? And to be honest, that was with another (pardon the stealing of the phrase, Mr. Wheaton) geek like me. Turns out, folks, that geeks who are pushed far enough won't back down. Remember that when you see someone who may be an easy mark. They might be, or maybe you'll be what finally makes them say, "Enough." Regardless, the point is that my senior year in high school was much easier on me socially than my previous years had been. I actually did end up with a regular girlfriend near the end of the year, so romantically speaking, I suppose my senior year wasn't a complete bust.

Then, well.... things went to shit. I didn't graduate with my class due to failing a couple of classes due to, ta-da! not turning in homework. That didn't bug me too much, as the cap and gown to walk with the class cost some decent money, and I didn't want my folks to spend that kind of money on me. Also, as we'll recall, I didn't like a lot of the folks I was in school with, so not walking with them didn't hurt my feelings at all. During the sommer, however, my girlfriend dumped me, and that blew. To top it off, with no car and no driver's licence, finding a job in my little podunk town just wasn't going to happen. I spent several months just tooling around town, not doing anything. I was well on my way to being a slacker.

Worse than I am now.

Next.... Who IS this Geek, Pt 2. - Geeks with Guns, or How I Beat the Universe's Ultimate Plan for me.

By Way of Introduction....

2009-09-06T10:46:00.000-07:00

Let me just say this first, to get it out of the way. Microblogging sucks. Sure, I understand the desire to jot down and share these quick little thoughts that one may have throughout the day, but seriously, 160 characters to capture whatever is in my head at the moment? Do you realize what kind of mental castration that is for some people? Yea.... as I hang my head sheepishly... I do have a Twitter account... but I can't bring myself to use it anymore. It is just too, I dunno, stifling?

And on that note (cringe, English teachers, cringe!), I'd like to welcome the swarming masses from the Internet (okay, probably just myself and the one or two odd people who may follow the link from Facebook. Yea, Facebook. Shaddap) to my current outlet for my thought processes.

"Confessions of a Part Time Geek" is a way for me to take some of the more interesting bits that make up my life and share them with anyone who might possibly be able to walk away (or browse away, I'm not too picky) with a bit of sage advice, wisdom, insight, or maybe just a good chuckle. I will warn you, I may not update regularly (I had a blog on Myspace (no, seriously, quit laughing), but it has a tendency to languish in solitude for the most part), and when I do post, I tend to ramble a little bit, as I'm a bit of a stream on conciousness kind of guy, and this is how my conciousness flows when I focus it. I also tend to type the way I talk in real life, so for you grammarphiles out there, you may find yourselves twitching violently on occassion. On the upside, however, this means that I will almost never use TXTSPK, omg lol! or 133tspeak (pwnage!) unless its part of some bit of humor or rant I'm running with. I speak and write in English, that means I use vowels and shit.

And yea, I curse. A lot. I WILL try to limit that on here. By way of making that more difficult, I now have a cat in my lap and on my shoulder in desperate need of affection, whose ass keeps blocking my keyboard. Be right back.

Okay, she's still in my lap, but she's calmed down a bit now. Amazing what a hug and a good earrub can accomplish in terms of feline behavior. Oh, that's another thing. You'll come to find out that I have 8 cats. Yea, my wife and I are the crazy cat people on your block. Just so ya know. Hmm... Lexi didn't like the idea of being with a crazy cat person, so she just left (Lexi's the cat, not the wife).

As far as introductions go, I do believe that this has been a veritable shotgun blast on the targetboard of topics and continuity. My next post will be a proper get-to-know-me type of deal, and will hopefully be a little more cohesive than this has been. However, I did feel that it was necassary for me to go ahead and get that message out there.

Microblogging sucks.